I don't remember my parents ever being affectionate with me. I don't remember ever being held, kissed or loved on of any type of way. Unless it was after one of my father's drunken nights and he felt the need to apologize because he went a little too far. Once we got school age it was up to my sister and I to take care of each other. We were only a year apart from each other, yet we made sure to look out for each other. We'd get home from school, eat dinner that had been cooked and left by our mother, do our chores, completed homework, and straight to our grandparents' house because we couldn't stand to be in the house with our dad. It was always a coldness in the house when he was home. If he wasn't sitting in his chair watching the tv, mind you he would come right in and change the channel if we were watching our shows and we'd better not complain, because he paid the bills and could do as he pleased, or he'd turn on his music and blasted it so loud we couldn't hear the tv, and we'd just leave out. I remember one time our family from upstate came into town. He'd worked that morning, so he wasn't home when they arrived. We cleaned the entire house, but one pot was left in the sink to soak. You would have thought we left dishes piled up all over the kitchen. My dad flipped out on us, including my mother, in front of everyone. Made us get in the house and clean it all over again before he let them come in the house. Embarrassing to the 100th degree. Over a damn pot in the sink. The whoopings were excessive and came for no good reason at all. I was so glad when he cut that weeping willow tree down. He made a statement that he had to stop beating us because it gave him ulcers. No matter what we did it was never enough to achieve the love we deserved from him. We both were in sports, academic achievers, graduated honor students, got jobs while in school, and graduated college. But that love a daughter needed from her father never came. And let's not talk about his "fishing trips" he'd take. Or his weekend drinking binges that he'd stay gone all night and come home to find something to complain about so no one would ask him where he'd been. But eventually we all knew what he was up to when the baby came along.

 

I was never sat down and spoken to about how my mind and body would evolve as I got older. I never had anyone to sit down and speak to me about boys, sex, or even how to be a woman, nevertheless a young teenage woman. All I knew is what I saw at home, tv, and what I saw from the outside world. I knew i wanted someone to love me, protect me and care for me, because I saw that from my great aunt and uncle. Now to me, they were the Huxtables. The love and admiration my uncle showed my aunt made me dream of when I finally met the man of my dreams.

 

Back in my younger days, I was a true risk taker. If it was something I wanted to do, i figured out a way to make it happen. As long as the chores were done and we were not bothering my father, to the streets it was, LOL! Mind you we lived outside the city limits; the country and it was either foot it or bike it into town. Our dad bought us some bikes from a guy in the next town over and that's what we used to make our exit from the coldness of home during the day.

We'd spend the day riding around town, hanging with friends at the park until it was dusk, and it was time to head home. During that time, I fell in love with my first child's father. The first to take my innocence and break my heart.  Since my parents worked second shift and we had the house to ourselves until 11pm, it gave opportunity to risk having company come over, and that's exactly what I did. Me at 15 and him 19 knowing damn well if we get caught my father would put a bullet in him and beat me senseless. But I didn't care because I wanted him there, I needed him to see I would risk it all for his love and attention. When he came over it was like my husband had come home from work. He'd bring me gifts, help me do any cleaning and then hold me until I cried. This went on until my dad started first shift and we had to change it up. I used to take care of my great grandmother who had a stroke and was unable to use her left side. So, during the night, my sister and I would take care of her. Well, that was my time to sneak out and see my man. He'd let me know when he was coming through and I would sneak out the back door, hoping my dad wouldn't notice. He'd scope me up and then we'd go for a ride and then we'd park and enjoy each other. 

Like I said, no one ever taught me about my body and sex and what could happen if i wasn't being careful. Well, not being careful got me pregnant. And it was seven months later before my mom noticed it. I remember us going to take family pictures and the outfit she bought didn't quite fit, but I made it work. When we got home, she pulled me in the room and asked me when the last time I had gotten my period. My answer was, " I don't remember". She pulled up my shirt and told me, "You have to tell your father". Of course, the look on his face was true disappointment when I told him and when he found out who got me knocked up, he really flipped out. I had already been told to stay away from the father of my child, but he gave me what i wasn't getting at home. Love and attention. 

I never got to see that child grow up. One morning we headed out of town to a hospital that handled situations like this. When I say that was the HARDEST thing to go through as a 15yr old child. With me being so far along the process was intrusive and I was there alone with other girls around my age. Scariest part was hearing the screams all night long. When it was my time to expel the child that had been growing inside me, I just wanted to die and be disposed of right along with him. The car ride home the next day was silent just as the days after. We never spoke of it again. That next summer was spent in Maryland and when I came back, the person that I thought loved me, had gotten married. Another heartbreak from a person that I thought loved and cared for me.

After that my high school years I ran amuck lol! Doing all the crazy things teenagers do. And I found myself caught up with the father of my soon-to-be second child. Senior year of high school I met my daughter's father.

My daughter’s father was the worst. This man made me feel worse than my father. He was 9yrs older than me. Guess the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree, because that's the age range between my mom and dad. We lived in a small town, so I had known of him, but while hanging out with my older cousin one night, we had a conversation. One weekend after the club we all got a hotel room, and he stayed that night. While in the bed with my cousin, he slid in behind me. I felt like that little girl again being molested by my uncle. But of course, in my twisted mind I was thinking, he really likes me. Mind you I was a senior in high school. He was 27yrs old at the time. From there I was infatuated with him. I knew he had a girlfriend, and she was pregnant, but I didn’t care. This fine ass man was going to be mine.  This man made my life a living hell. I remember doing a love spell to get him to pay me some attention. First time I ever dabbled in some spiritual shit. BIG REGRET. Guess all he did to me for the karma coming back around from that damn love spell and dealing with him knowing of his girlfriend. Oh, it gave me who I wanted but he damn sure didn’t treat me the way I wanted.

I should have left him alone seeing how he treated his son’s mom, but nope, I moved him in and had a baby by him. He cheated on me till the day I left him. During our relationship, I bought him 2 cars, paid all the bills when he spent all his money drinking and partying. We had one car, and he would leave on Friday and not come back till Sunday. Wouldn’t answer his phone and then cuss me out when I’d call asking when he was coming home, or just didn’t answer at all.  But of course, seeing my mom put up with what she did, I thought I had to make it work. When I finally had my daughter and found out he was seeing someone else again, I left. I couldn’t let my daughter grow up the way I did. I didn’t want her to think she had to put up with the bullshit to keep a man when a man wasn’t trying to be kept. I packed all my stuff up one day when he was at work, and I moved out. I didn’t tell him where I was until a week or two later and I wish I hadn’t. He did everything in his power to make me uncomfortable, thinking it was going to get me back. But I knew for sure no way I was going back to that madness. Another heartbreak from someone I trusted love and protect me.

After leaving the father of my daughter, my sole focus was on raising my daughter. Looking back, I had more strength in leaving people than i realized. Yes, I stuck around longer than I should have but when it was all said and done, I was the one that called it quits. Men came and went, just like friends came and went. I poured too much of myself into people that would never do the same for me, or if i did run across a good one, I was so badly hurt and in survival mode, I wouldn't let them get close enough to love me properly. Like attracts like, hurt and pain attracts hurt and pain. I still wasn't aware of my purpose. 

Then came Stink LOL! 

Looking up at the ceiling, wondering why I put myself into these dramatic situations. I knew damn well I should have left his ass alone soon as he told me “Ummm we need to talk”.  Now my ass caught up because I let him turn me every which way but loose. I done fell for this negro and now I’m contemplating if I want to keep it going and see where it goes or say fuck it and block his damn number…not my codependent people pleasing ass….

Months prior:

Regular day at work and the girls were cackling it up in the restroom about the new guy. I paid them no mind, but in my head, I made a mental note to see what all the fuss was about. That weekend was inventory, and the new guy was part of inventory management, which meant he would be part of the inventory team that weekend. Until then I’d gather all the information needed on said new guy.

As I was bent over in a coffin (the big boxes product is delivered in) counting shower gel I heard my name called. “ there he go”, I raised up and caught a glimpse of this 5ft guy strolling down the aisle. I looked over at Janet, with that smirk on her face, and gave her the nod. She knew it was about to go down. Lunch rolled around and we gathered in the breakroom and waited for him to walk through.

AJ was a short stocky guy. He had the cutest little hands and feet, dressed well, and had the sexiest smile and smelled so good. I wanted to just bury my head in his chest. AJ was dark chocolate and carried himself as if he knew he was the shit. But of course, I played my position and acted as if I didn’t notice him. The girls were on him bad. I mean cat calling and everything. He just laughed it off and kept it pushing. We made eye contact as he walked out the door. In my head I was saying, yep, I’m going to get that. Should have left well enough alone but nooooo My silly ass had a point to prove.

Monday came around and there was a town hall meeting about inventory over the weekend and how the company was doing profit wise. Guess who sat behind me. You know it, AJ. Him and his boys sat directly behind me, and he made it his business to “accidently bump my chair”. “Oh, my bad, excuse me, I didn’t mean to bump you”. I never turned around, just gave him the “you good” and carried on the conversation with the person next to me. I purposely put on red thongs that morning, not sure how and when they would be seen but look at God. This was the perfect time to test them out. I leaned forward enough for my shirt to rise, and the top of my thongs peeked out my pants. After the meeting we all went back to our desk and guess who I got an email from.

“Hello, I’m AJ. Nice to see you again at the meeting this morning. Wondering if you would like to grab some lunch today, my treat”. And if it’s anything l love is free food, especially from a sexy man. And that’s how it all started. Years of being the side chick.

AJ and I got so close very quickly. We would take turns bringing or buying lunch for each other. We would shop for each other, he made sure my daughter needed and wanted for nothing. Everyone knew we were spending time with each other. He would come by after work and give me the best sex ever. He made me feel like a woman. Before him I was pretty much a tomboy. But he made my femininity surface. I mean I had NEVER had anyone make love to me before like he did. The way he took his time with me and hit every spot was amazing. Then he’d hold me afterwards and we’d talk about our day. It was never a dull moment with him. I remember him going to the bank and getting 100 one-dollar bills and he asked me to strip for him. And yep, I damn sure did, and we made love on the pile of money afterwards. If I needed anything he’d make it happen. We were together so much I never questioned if he was in a relationship. I guess I wanted that attention and affection so much and he provided it. I had no reason to think otherwise. But one evening while we were lying across my bed watching TV it happened. The words no one wants to hear, “we need to talk”.

Of course, it was I’m married but we not on good terms and the only reason why I’m staying is because of the kids, blah blah blay. And yes, I fell for it. As much time we spend together I had no reason to think otherwise. We would have our moments but in all we had a good thing going. I met his kids; he met my daughter and family. We did all the things couples did together. Due to my daughter being so young I didn’t trip about him not staying the night because I was set on her not getting attached to anyone.

But the day came I thought I was going to take my place as his official girlfriend. We were sitting in the car on break, and he told me they were officially separating. She had gotten her own place and moved out. My excited ass was like GREAT, now we can make this thing official. He looked at me with the most serious face and said, nah, I am not trying to get into anything serious after this. THE FUCK YOU JUST SAY. NEGRO we been doing serious shit the past two years. When I tell you my heart dropped to my stomach. I could only blame myself for holding on to the fantasy of this man being completely mine, while doing all the shit of someone in a real relationship. I made my bed and I had to lay in it. But NOOO, I didn’t learn my lesson. I went home and cried it out. I talked myself into continuing a relationship with this man. I figured I could make him see that I was the perfect woman for him.  

There were guys that I dated but nothing serious until AJ came along. I fucked around and found out with him. But once he told me he wasn’t trying to get into a serious relationship after his wife left, it was game on. Yep, I had my rooster of men, some I really cared about, and others were just something to do. But when AJ called, my ass was in place because NO ONE could do the things he could do. I mean we went at it so hard one day we accidentally pulled the curtains down. Just sweaty and buck naked trying to hang them damn curtains back up before anyone saw us. But I knew I had to let him go. Eventually we parted ways and went on with our lives. Then out of the blue I got that call. My Stink wanted to see his Puddin. And my crazy ass answered the call, and it was back on again.

This man has been in and out of my life for so long that it was just the norm. We’d stop talking for a year or two and then we’d start back talking. But he never changed. He was still the condescending, arrogant person that I left alone prior. The straw that ended it all was after all the years of us dealing with each other I asked him if we could plan a trip out of town. His tone about the whole thing just threw me and I exploded. I had finally lost feelings for a man I had known since my daughter was 5yrs old and she is soon to turn 22. I no longer wanted to be the default or be breadcrumbed anymore. I deserved better.

After this I started to dabble in the Lifestyle (LS). Basically, a group of like-minded people that were open sexually. We'd meet up for sex parties. I was having the time of my life, so I thought. I had a whole group of local indivuduals that would meet up for whatever. We'd go out have dinner, hit up the club, have house parties, or meet up at hotels for larger parties. Mena and women from all walks of life. I've meet teaches, goverment officials, doctors, nurses, etc. Being in the LS gave me some confidence that I didn't have before. I met a lot of great people and some I wish I had never entertained. It's been over 10yrs and I must say I don't regret it, but I had to let it go to really find my way. To have the life that I dreamed of with a partner that's solely for me. Hence me meeting the Government Official at Hedo, Jamaica.

   Walked up the cobblestone walkway from my room to the main dining hall. That Jamaica heat is no joke. As I stood pool side watching my travel mates play volleyball, I saw him walking over out the corner of my eye. “Hello, I’m Jasper, how are you”? I turned to see this fine 6ft tall man standing next to me with his hand extended. I gave my signature smile and shook his hand. “I’m doing good, how about you? It’s just so hot and humid out here.” “Would you like a drink? I can get you one”? And from there we didn’t spend a minute apart from each other. You would have thought I had known this man my whole life the way we walked around like we were a couple. We spent the rest of the day hanging out together at the pool, we had dinner together, and after that we laid on the beach and had some great conversations.

We were in Jamaica at the nudies resort Hedo II and in my head, it was one of those what we do on vacation stays on vacation. I was not planning on seeing this man ever again. I poured my whole life story out to this man. I didn’t hold back on anything. It felt good to finally just be myself without worrying about what anyone would think of me, because he wouldn’t see me once he left the resort. Jasper was such a gentleman, He allowed me to stay in his room during his stay and we celebrated his birthday with champagne delivered to his room. This man had a body on him, and the sex was on point. As I said, I never thought I would see this man again. The morning that he left to go back to the states, he left me in his room and told me to enjoy the rest of my stay. Not knowing he had taken a picture of me in his bed sleeping and was asking around about me to the travel mates I came with.

I get home from Jamaica 3 days later and what do you know, he found me. I got a message in my inbox, and he was wanting to see me again. He lived upstate and me loving to travel, I flew up and spent a few days with him. He was the perfect gentleman again. He made sure I had everything I needed, I didn’t have to lift a finger or spend a dime the entire time I was there. The next time I saw him he was asking me to be his official girlfriend. Sounds like the perfect ending huh? Things started to unravel after that.

There were more situationships than I would like to count or speak on, but they all ended the same. Lies, deceit, and me heartbroken. There were situations with friends, coworkers, employers, etc., where I was taken advantge of for my kindness and eager to please and be acknowledged, and I overlooked the wrong doings that were being done to me. But most of my hurt and pain came from relationships with men I saw so much potential in, instead of looking at who they truly were. I justed wanted that happily ever after and in my mind, I could make them see that also.

    When I tell you I have done almost everything under the sun when it comes to sex, men and women included. I was definitely sowing my wild oats and harvesting some of others. Not knowing any better, I thought freely giving my body away would make men look at me different. Same as when i was younger. I was craving the touch and love of a man so much, that I let them overstep all boundaries. I think I used the words "Oh it's ok, I understand" way too much and way too freely. I wasn't respecting myself so why should they. If i was game for it, then why would they concern themselves about how it made me look. It was all fun and games until I looked at myself in the mirror one day and said this isn't me. I don't know who this person is staring back at me. I felt the lonliness and the unworthiness. The Lifestyle will definitely bring another side out of you. And if you are not tough skinned it will break you down. I am sure I have some very promiscuous pictures, videos, etc out there on the deep dark web, I know there are men that could say they know my body, but we all have a past and in order to move forward, I have to acknowledge that past and know that it doesn't define me now. I can't let my past stop me from living in my present. I can't let it hold me back from acheiving goals that I have set or have me scared of putting myself out there in the public eye. Acknowledging what I've done is part of forgiving myself. It's a part of letting go of what is not of you anymore. Accepting my part, I played in all of this. I had a choice and made a choice and now I accept the choices I made and learned the lessons from those choices that only delayed my true happiness. I know now all of this was part of the people pleasing and wanting to be a part of something. All stemming from not getting the love and attention from my parents and the love I didn't have for myself. The lesson of letting go and believing in myself. To trust in myself and know that I am being protected by a higher source. To learn the lesson of letting go and detachment. Not attaching myself to anything that can leave me at any time and turn my world upside down. I no longer let anything outside of self, determine how I view things, how I think, or how I feel. I no longer owe anyone an explanation on how I live my life and the decisions I make for my life. Once I learned what loving me felt like, I will never allow anyone else to hold that much power. For them to think that anything I have done in my past would define me and could be held against me. I love myself too much to deny all I've been through because it got me to this point. The point of loving me unconditionally. The freedom it brings. The peace it brings. I'm beginning to live my life on my terms. No worries of what others think, because there are only two choices. Take me as I am or leave me be. Either way, you will not disrupt my peace.